Style Conversational Week 1298: Oh, G’s
The Style Invitational Empress ruminates all over this week’s
contest and results. (Eww.)
The alleged video genre of CAB -- Cute Animals Barfing -- was Bob
Staake's cartoon for the ABC-phrase contest, Week 1179. (Bob Staake for
The Washington Post)
By
Pat Myers
close
Image without a caption
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
Email
Email
Bio
Bio
Follow
Follow
September 20, 2018 at 3:05 p.m. EDT
Given that I continue to have the fortunate task to post a new Style
Invitational contest every seven days, I’m particularly drawn to
contests that I can repeat, either with updated material (e.g., a
contest using that week’s headlines) or by breaking up the possible
source material into different groups. So I was pretty excited in 2016
to introduce a contest for three-letter abbreviations using just three
letters of the alphabet — hey, I can check off eight spots in the Future
Contests calendar. It was the idea of Loser Jeff Shirley (who, I see,
just scored his 200th blot of ink —
mazel tov, Jeff!) and is a variation on another recurring contest, one
that asks readers to compare two real entities that have the same
abbreviation.
Jeff reminded me recently that we did the ABCs in June 2016 and the DEFs
in July 2017, and ahem ... But I didn’t jump on the suggestion, because
I wasn’t all that overwhelmed with the two previous contests; they just
seemed arbitrary and a little strained. But do tend to be susceptible to
the one-two punch, and when 177-time Loser Jon Gearhart wrote me to ask
for the very same thing (and I wasn’t exactly brimming with new
contests), I acquiesced and posted Week 1298
. I’ve come to the conclusion — we’ll see if
it was right — that the humor would have more of a point if the
three-letter combination worked as a plausible abbreviation — not just
matching any old phrase — for something that might be referred to by
just the letters: an agency, an organization, someone’s initials,
government/corporate/academic bureaucratese, a medical condition, or
some phenomenon that people might abbreviate as a sort of slang, like
“TMI,” “PDA,” “NSFW.” So it’s not all that limiting. And this time I’m
also allowing repeated letters in the abbreviation.
Here are some of the winners from our two previous contests. I see that
most, but certainly not all, of the inking entries describe something
that would take an abbreviation; I might have become more focused on
that idea by the time of he DEF contest. Also notice how using the
abbreviation in a sentence could both make it more convincing and make
the entry funnier. (See “Before Advent of Cellphones,” “ ‘Don’t Even’
face” and “Failed Entry Dumpster” below, among others)
*ABC’ing You: Report from Week 1179 * (see the full results at
bit.ly/invite1183 )
In Week 1179 we asked for some fanciful ABC (or BAC, CBA, etc.) phrases.
“Maniacal Noxious Orange: trending color in spray-on tans,” by 155-time
Loser Bird Waring, was certainly fanciful, but a tad alphabetically
challenged. Loser.
*4th place:* Business Class Alternative: Leg-shortening surgery so you
can fly comfortably in coach. (Gary
Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) [who is about 6-6]
*3rd place:* Carolina Bathroom Attendants: “Our business is watching
yours.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
*2nd place:* Aryan Battle Cry: “They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing
crime. They’re rapists . . . ” (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
*And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:*
Cot And Bagel: A low-budget bed and breakfast. (Chris Damm, Charles
Town, W.Va.)
*A Cut Below: honorable mentions*
Concealing By Acronym: A way of hiding one’s true message, as in “*MAKE
AMERICA G*et *R*eally*E*xclusive *A*nd *T*errifying *AGAIN.*” (Jesse
Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)
Assured Commercial Bankruptcy: What was stamped on the business loan
application for Leakies brand diapers. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)
Anesthesia by Clinton: Box set of the candidate’s favorite policy
speeches. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Before Advent of Cellphones: Term denoting ancient times. “Your mom’s
hairstyle is, like, BAC.” (Edward Gordon, Austin)
Aging-Brain Cramp: Also known as a senior moment. (Chris Doyle, Denton,
Tex.)
Census Approximation Bureau: The government’s plan to save billions by
hiring one guy to browse Google Maps on an iPhone. (Jeff Shirley,
Richmond, Va.)
Certified Business Abomination: The creep in accounting who wants to go
over your travel claim with you in person. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Boneless Chicken Association: Raising rubbery, nugget-shaped birds since
1983. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.)
“A Bear!” (Crunch.): The final line in Quentin Tarantino’s new
Goldilocks film. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
Angry Birds Champion: What you should not list under “Awards” on your
résumé. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
*DEFinitions: Report from Week 1238 (full results atwapo.st/invite1242
)*
In Week 1238 we continued three-letter abbreviating through the alphabet
with some DEF, FED, EDF, etc., phrases. Some of the inking entries below
are a bit of a stretch, but the Empress put on her YJPs — her Yoga
Judging Pants — and flexed a little. Not surprisingly, many of the
entries contained various forms of the f-word. They canceled one another
out.
4th place: EDF: Electoral District Freshening: Oh, “gerrymandering”
sounds so unsavory. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
3rd place: EDF: Elf Defies Fate: Jeff Sessions’s tagline on memos as he
keeps his job for one more week. (As of press time.) (Ellen Ryan,
Rockville, Md.)
2nd place and the pink rubber octopus fingers:
DEF: “Don’t Even” Face: “I was just about to float the idea of having
the guys over for poker night, but I got the DEF.” (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village, Md.)
And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
FED: Flagrantly Elementary Deduction: Printable euphemism for “No @#$#,
Sherlock.” (Peter Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.)
Lo-DEF: Honorable mentions
Defenders of Flat Earth: “Our members are fighting for truth around the
globe.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Domestic Fish Eggs: Low-rent caviar — a.k.a. “skid roe.” (Chris Doyle,
Denton, Tex.)
Extraterrestrial Defense Fund: Established in Roswell, N.M., to assist
illegal aliens. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Expressive Digit Fluency: Sign-language requirement for cabbies. (Jon
Gearhart)
Ego-Feeding Department: One federal agency that’d be sure to be fully
funded. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
EFD: “What do you mean I’m a BFD? I’m ENORMOUS.” (Ivars Kuskevics,
Takoma Park, Md.)
Fatal Dating Error: “So, I’ve asked my mother to join us for dinner.”
(Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)
Franklin Delano Eisenhower: “Probably the third-greatest president after
Abe and me.” — D.J.T. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)
Females for Erectile Dysfunction: Women of a certain age who, quite
frankly, have had enough already. (Nan Reiner)
Firing Every Day: “Mr. President, what will be your main focus for the
remainder of your term?” “I’m gonna keep going with the FED.” (Stephen
Gold, London)
Executive Daily Flattery: That folder presented to the president twice a
day with only positive articles about him. (Lynne Ann Larkin, Vero
Beach, Fla.)
Emergency Fruitcake Delivery: A post-Christmas service provided by
regifting centers. (Chris Doyle)
And Last: Failed-Entry Dumpster: The Empress’s trash can. “Welp, another
whole page for the FED.” (Chris Doyle)
*GRIDIOCY*: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1294* /
*A headline submitted by a couple of people but was used in a previous
contest/
The very day after I posted the Week 1294 word-search grid
four weeks ago, King of the Losers Chris
Doyle posted this on theStyle Invitational Devotees
Facebook page:
“Week 1216’s 16x19 grid had 68 non-Y vowels, and I thought that was too
few. Week 1294’s18x19 grid has just 58 — 17% of the 342 letters. In
comparison, 38% of the letters in English words are the vowels A, E, I,
O, and U. This week’s gonna be tough. (I haven’t begun yet.)”
Frank Osen added: “And what’s this mysterious aversion to the letter C?”
The general conclusion was that the algorithm that Puzzle-Maker.com uses
to fill in word search grids would work better for us if I fed it more
words to it, so that there’d be less fill, including all those Z’s and
X’s. (Next time I’ll just keep adding words until the grid won’t fit on
its spot on the print page in The Post’s Arts & Style section.)
But of course, Chris ended up with two blots of ink this week, as well
as several more on my shortlist. And Frank nabbed four, including his
hands-down winner this week: Frank traced through the grid, and two Z’s,
to assemble DJ DIZZY G — and designate that as the secret rap handle of
Rudy Giuliani, complete with sample rap. (Who needs C’s?)
In fact, this week’s grid proved multiply fruitful; my shortlist far
exceeded the 39 entries — from 30 different people — that saw ink this
week; your “noinks” this week may well be useful in the retrospective
contest I run every December.
In addition to Frank’s — whew — 18th Invite win and Inks 365-368, the
Losers’ Circle is all Usual Suspects this week: Dudley Thompson also
made the best of the Z’s with “Zitsen,” the other red-nosed reindeer;
Mark Raffman with the hashtag “MaToo”; and Jesse Frankovich’s
ultra-worrywart, “Alarmopath.”
On the other hand, we welcome two First Offenders: Annie Westover with
Gropy the Small-Handed Dwarf, and Paul White with “fourarm” as
whatVishnu does
when forewarned. And we have to welcome back Don Juran, who blotted up
six inks in 1997 and 1998 and then disappeared for 20 years. But one of
those six blots was first place — in one of the hardest contests ever,
one we never repeated: You had to make a relevant and funny cryptogram
of some noun or noun phrase: i.e., you replace each letter with another
letter of your choice, and if the person’s name has, say, two T’s, then
the cryptogram would have to have the same letter to replace both T’s.
(Hmm, should I court disaster again?) Anyway, Don’s was: Rush Limbaugh =
Paid Blowhard. He also had the first honorable mention: Watergate =
Dicktrick. We hope to see lots more from Don, as well as from Paul and
Annie.
*AND TWO WEEKS FROM NOW, YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED ... *
Will be Week 1300. I’ve gotten a couple of suggestions for a contest
pegged to that number; I’d welcome others, especially with persuasive
examples. Email me soon!
*NEXT LOSER EVENT: INVASION OF GETTYSBURG, OCT. 21*
After last Sunday’s highly enjoyable (I swear, I had no more than six
buffet plates) Loser brunch at the Indian restaurant Aditi, the next
Loser brunch will be its annual visit to Gettysburg, Pa., home of Loser
and Genuine Tour Guide Roger Dalrymple, who’ll give our group a
driving/walking tour of the various Civil War battle sites and town
landmarks. The Royal Consort and I have gone up several times and
enjoyed the lunch and touring, and the weather is much more likely to be
hospitable in October than in the heat of summer. Anyone can be part of
the group; carpools are often formed. RSVP to Elden Carnahan on the
Losers’ website, NRARS.org (click on “Our Social
Engorgements”).
*IT’S (ALMOST) IN THE MAIL!*
My apologies to those whogot ink last week,
for the contest to interpret part of the Constitution: Your prizes will
be as much as a week late, because I was off repenting for Yom Kippur.
Magnets will go out tonight, bigger swag next Tuesday.