Style Conversational Week 1298: Oh, G’s The Style Invitational Empress ruminates all over this week’s contest and results. (Eww.) The alleged video genre of CAB -- Cute Animals Barfing -- was Bob Staake's cartoon for the ABC-phrase contest, Week 1179. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email Email Bio Bio Follow Follow September 20, 2018 at 3:05 p.m. EDT Given that I continue to have the fortunate task to post a new Style Invitational contest every seven days, I’m particularly drawn to contests that I can repeat, either with updated material (e.g., a contest using that week’s headlines) or by breaking up the possible source material into different groups. So I was pretty excited in 2016 to introduce a contest for three-letter abbreviations using just three letters of the alphabet — hey, I can check off eight spots in the Future Contests calendar. It was the idea of Loser Jeff Shirley (who, I see, just scored his 200th blot of ink — mazel tov, Jeff!) and is a variation on another recurring contest, one that asks readers to compare two real entities that have the same abbreviation. Jeff reminded me recently that we did the ABCs in June 2016 and the DEFs in July 2017, and ahem ... But I didn’t jump on the suggestion, because I wasn’t all that overwhelmed with the two previous contests; they just seemed arbitrary and a little strained. But do tend to be susceptible to the one-two punch, and when 177-time Loser Jon Gearhart wrote me to ask for the very same thing (and I wasn’t exactly brimming with new contests), I acquiesced and posted Week 1298 . I’ve come to the conclusion — we’ll see if it was right — that the humor would have more of a point if the three-letter combination worked as a plausible abbreviation — not just matching any old phrase — for something that might be referred to by just the letters: an agency, an organization, someone’s initials, government/corporate/academic bureaucratese, a medical condition, or some phenomenon that people might abbreviate as a sort of slang, like “TMI,” “PDA,” “NSFW.” So it’s not all that limiting. And this time I’m also allowing repeated letters in the abbreviation. Here are some of the winners from our two previous contests. I see that most, but certainly not all, of the inking entries describe something that would take an abbreviation; I might have become more focused on that idea by the time of he DEF contest. Also notice how using the abbreviation in a sentence could both make it more convincing and make the entry funnier. (See “Before Advent of Cellphones,” “ ‘Don’t Even’ face” and “Failed Entry Dumpster” below, among others) *ABC’ing You: Report from Week 1179 * (see the full results at bit.ly/invite1183 ) In Week 1179 we asked for some fanciful ABC (or BAC, CBA, etc.) phrases. “Maniacal Noxious Orange: trending color in spray-on tans,” by 155-time Loser Bird Waring, was certainly fanciful, but a tad alphabetically challenged. Loser. *4th place:* Business Class Alternative: Leg-shortening surgery so you can fly comfortably in coach. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) [who is about 6-6] *3rd place:* Carolina Bathroom Attendants: “Our business is watching yours.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *2nd place:* Aryan Battle Cry: “They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime. They’re rapists . . . ” (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:* Cot And Bagel: A low-budget bed and breakfast. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) *A Cut Below: honorable mentions* Concealing By Acronym: A way of hiding one’s true message, as in “*MAKE AMERICA G*et *R*eally*E*xclusive *A*nd *T*errifying *AGAIN.*” (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) Assured Commercial Bankruptcy: What was stamped on the business loan application for Leakies brand diapers. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) Anesthesia by Clinton: Box set of the candidate’s favorite policy speeches. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) Before Advent of Cellphones: Term denoting ancient times. “Your mom’s hairstyle is, like, BAC.” (Edward Gordon, Austin) Aging-Brain Cramp: Also known as a senior moment. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Census Approximation Bureau: The government’s plan to save billions by hiring one guy to browse Google Maps on an iPhone. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Certified Business Abomination: The creep in accounting who wants to go over your travel claim with you in person. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) Boneless Chicken Association: Raising rubbery, nugget-shaped birds since 1983. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) “A Bear!” (Crunch.): The final line in Quentin Tarantino’s new Goldilocks film. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) Angry Birds Champion: What you should not list under “Awards” on your résumé. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *DEFinitions: Report from Week 1238 (full results atwapo.st/invite1242 )* In Week 1238 we continued three-letter abbreviating through the alphabet with some DEF, FED, EDF, etc., phrases. Some of the inking entries below are a bit of a stretch, but the Empress put on her YJPs — her Yoga Judging Pants — and flexed a little. Not surprisingly, many of the entries contained various forms of the f-word. They canceled one another out. 4th place: EDF: Electoral District Freshening: Oh, “gerrymandering” sounds so unsavory. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) 3rd place: EDF: Elf Defies Fate: Jeff Sessions’s tagline on memos as he keeps his job for one more week. (As of press time.) (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) 2nd place and the pink rubber octopus fingers: DEF: “Don’t Even” Face: “I was just about to float the idea of having the guys over for poker night, but I got the DEF.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: FED: Flagrantly Elementary Deduction: Printable euphemism for “No @#$#, Sherlock.” (Peter Shawhan, Silver Spring, Md.) Lo-DEF: Honorable mentions Defenders of Flat Earth: “Our members are fighting for truth around the globe.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Domestic Fish Eggs: Low-rent caviar — a.k.a. “skid roe.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) Extraterrestrial Defense Fund: Established in Roswell, N.M., to assist illegal aliens. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) Expressive Digit Fluency: Sign-language requirement for cabbies. (Jon Gearhart) Ego-Feeding Department: One federal agency that’d be sure to be fully funded. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) EFD: “What do you mean I’m a BFD? I’m ENORMOUS.” (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) Fatal Dating Error: “So, I’ve asked my mother to join us for dinner.” (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) Franklin Delano Eisenhower: “Probably the third-greatest president after Abe and me.” — D.J.T. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) Females for Erectile Dysfunction: Women of a certain age who, quite frankly, have had enough already. (Nan Reiner) Firing Every Day: “Mr. President, what will be your main focus for the remainder of your term?” “I’m gonna keep going with the FED.” (Stephen Gold, London) Executive Daily Flattery: That folder presented to the president twice a day with only positive articles about him. (Lynne Ann Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) Emergency Fruitcake Delivery: A post-Christmas service provided by regifting centers. (Chris Doyle) And Last: Failed-Entry Dumpster: The Empress’s trash can. “Welp, another whole page for the FED.” (Chris Doyle) *GRIDIOCY*: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1294* / *A headline submitted by a couple of people but was used in a previous contest/ The very day after I posted the Week 1294 word-search grid four weeks ago, King of the Losers Chris Doyle posted this on theStyle Invitational Devotees Facebook page: “Week 1216’s 16x19 grid had 68 non-Y vowels, and I thought that was too few. Week 1294’s18x19 grid has just 58 — 17% of the 342 letters. In comparison, 38% of the letters in English words are the vowels A, E, I, O, and U. This week’s gonna be tough. (I haven’t begun yet.)” Frank Osen added: “And what’s this mysterious aversion to the letter C?” The general conclusion was that the algorithm that Puzzle-Maker.com uses to fill in word search grids would work better for us if I fed it more words to it, so that there’d be less fill, including all those Z’s and X’s. (Next time I’ll just keep adding words until the grid won’t fit on its spot on the print page in The Post’s Arts & Style section.) But of course, Chris ended up with two blots of ink this week, as well as several more on my short­list. And Frank nabbed four, including his hands-down winner this week: Frank traced through the grid, and two Z’s, to assemble DJ DIZZY G — and designate that as the secret rap handle of Rudy Giuliani, complete with sample rap. (Who needs C’s?) In fact, this week’s grid proved multiply fruitful; my short­list far exceeded the 39 entries — from 30 different people — that saw ink this week; your “noinks” this week may well be useful in the retrospective contest I run every December. In addition to Frank’s — whew — 18th Invite win and Inks 365-368, the Losers’ Circle is all Usual Suspects this week: Dudley Thompson also made the best of the Z’s with “Zitsen,” the other red-nosed reindeer; Mark Raffman with the hashtag “MaToo”; and Jesse Frankovich’s ultra-worrywart, “Alarmopath.” On the other hand, we welcome two First Offenders: Annie Westover with Gropy the Small-Handed Dwarf, and Paul White with “fourarm” as whatVishnu does when forewarned. And we have to welcome back Don Juran, who blotted up six inks in 1997 and 1998 and then disappeared for 20 years. But one of those six blots was first place — in one of the hardest contests ever, one we never repeated: You had to make a relevant and funny cryptogram of some noun or noun phrase: i.e., you replace each letter with another letter of your choice, and if the person’s name has, say, two T’s, then the cryptogram would have to have the same letter to replace both T’s. (Hmm, should I court disaster again?) Anyway, Don’s was: Rush Limbaugh = Paid Blowhard. He also had the first honorable mention: Watergate = Dicktrick. We hope to see lots more from Don, as well as from Paul and Annie. *AND TWO WEEKS FROM NOW, YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED ... * Will be Week 1300. I’ve gotten a couple of suggestions for a contest pegged to that number; I’d welcome others, especially with persuasive examples. Email me soon! *NEXT LOSER EVENT: INVASION OF GETTYSBURG, OCT. 21* After last Sunday’s highly enjoyable (I swear, I had no more than six buffet plates) Loser brunch at the Indian restaurant Aditi, the next Loser brunch will be its annual visit to Gettysburg, Pa., home of Loser and Genuine Tour Guide Roger Dalrymple, who’ll give our group a driving/walking tour of the various Civil War battle sites and town landmarks. The Royal Consort and I have gone up several times and enjoyed the lunch and touring, and the weather is much more likely to be hospitable in October than in the heat of summer. Anyone can be part of the group; carpools are often formed. RSVP to Elden Carnahan on the Losers’ website, NRARS.org (click on “Our Social Engorgements”). *IT’S (ALMOST) IN THE MAIL!* My apologies to those whogot ink last week, for the contest to interpret part of the Constitution: Your prizes will be as much as a week late, because I was off repenting for Yom Kippur. Magnets will go out tonight, bigger swag next Tuesday.